Here it is… My new Mommy Blog… Go like it!!
So, It has officially been forever since I wrote anything in here. And well might I just saw… ALOT has changed. One being I am happier than I have probably EVER been. Spent the last few months figuring a ton of stuff out…and on top of it all I am excited to say that Johnathan and I are expecting a baby in Fabruary! I plan to update this shortly with more info, including a link to the pregnancy/ mommy blog I am starting. xoxo
I have been avoiding any posts as of lately for a few reasons.
First and most importantly, every time I sit down and try to think of things to type out… My mind goes blank. It’s like this vast space filled with nothing but ideas, and no way for them to communicate with the outside world.
Another reason probably being that I have had this prolonged feeling of failure as of lately. With everything. I need a pick me up, and the places I should be looking for them, are empty. I stare back at my past and the decisions that have wound me up where I am today.
I used to be oneof those people who refused to allow anyone the thought that she had any regrets or doubts about the decisions she had made. Now, that’s all I find myself doing, questioning the path I took, the turns I made, everything.
Hoping for happiness was all I have ever wanted. But recently, I feel like I would give up some of that happiness just to have something certain. Be it happy or not.
Finding myself more and more distressed with where I am and how to get away I have found that I have, more than anything, become rather weak. My spirit, my strive, all of it. I want to find this strength you read about in women, this strong minded girl who has the lead role in the movies you watch, someone who can hold it all together.
Trying to describe this, while still trying not to allow pity for myself is the difficult part. Explaining it, taking it all in, and changing it, while not allowing myself to be any more vulnerable is testing.
I want ever so badly to feel capable. To deal, and to learn and grow.
I am just stuck trying to find the how-to part of it all.
At least for now.
Money makes the world go ’round, and well.. My world has seemed to be at a stand still for a while.
So, here I am… trying to figure out a way to get ahead to do what I want to do and financially succeed at the same time.
Ideas on the brain… I will update later if they get me anywhere.
So here I am… about a year from where I started. Back to square one.
I have lost track of me.
Well, at least the me I was in search of.
That happens a lot I have found, when you come across something or someone who is worth putting time into.
You are always there, always learning, always you. But other people, other opportunities, those must be taken when the chance is available.
People mistake that for self-doubt, or lack of independence. But, I think of myself as someone who has seen a ton of people come into, and out of my life, and I don’t want that to be a possibility with those that are worth it.
I have been screwed over, left, abandoned, played, etc. And, I have come to find that I am at a point in my life where I don’t allow it so much. That I am somewhere now, that it has become much more avoidable.
So, with that knowledge and self-taught avoidance… When I see something worth the time, effort, stress, even sometimes pain… I jump on it, and can be comfortable with myself that I can put me on the back burner to a certain extent.
Like I said, if it is worth it.
But, alas… A time most certainly does come where if you don’t go back to focusing on yourself, you can lose the something special along with your own well-being.
That time is now. It is in a see-saw, whirlwind, staggering-along-the-line kind of place, where, I know… I need to refresh again.
You begin to ask yourself, “Where did the YOU go?”, “What happened to those goals, those plans?” and, well… you fix that.
The worst thing to become in life is a “What if?” or a “Well, one day…” kind of person.
I refuse to be that person.
I refuse to lose sight of me, and the better that I can bring to others. That maternal, hippie, strong-minded, wanting-to-change-something, kind of woman I was taught to be, and have taught myself to be.
The road I have put myself on in past months has changed me, for the better, and has been WELL worth it. But, again… It is not all I want in life, and it is a different path that will run along side the way I venture.
I have people in my life who encourage me, and love me. And I want to make damn-sure that the same encouragement and love doesn’t go to waste.
To deprive yourself of your own happiness is to deprive others of the happiness you can bring to them.
And, well… I want to be someone who makes others happy.
I recently discovered that there might actually be something more terrifying than letting someone in, trusting them, loving them, and letting them hold you heart.
To have this incredible opportunity still heavy responsibility is something we hardly think of. We are so worried about letting someone else in that we forget how significant our words, our actions, our love is to them.
I was reminded of this today. I was reminded just how much of an effect I have on the person I love so very much. It wasn’t because I had strayed, or been mean, or even worried him. It was the frustration I built inside of him.
He reminded me, just as I am one of the few people he loves, and would do anything for…With that privilege comes the burden that I can bring him down, that I can drive him absolutely NUTS.
See, I am an emotional wreck, to say the least. I am insecure, lacking confidence, jealous, worrisome, and fragile…
He is a man. In every sense. He is strong, mentally and physically, Courageous, Intelligent, Innovative, and just all around put-together.
So, the idea of having so much of an impact on his life and his feelings slips my mind.
He is my rock. I never liked when people said that before, I didn’t understand. I do now. He keeps not only me, but US together more than I ever thought possible.
I guess what I am saying, or trying to say is, when you have someone so strong, you forget how significantly your words or actions can break down that strength.
Just because I am the weaker one, doesn’t mean my impact isn’t equivalent to that of which he has on me.
You should keep your eyes peeled for Curious World Productions…
That’s right, I am giving you the early news on what to look out for.
I figured if I said it in here you will know I am serious. LOL.
Coming out with new decks, T-Shirts, Tanks, Stickers, and more soon… Summer 2011.
It’s going to be a Curious World. 😉
I love this blog.
It is my baby, my neglected, little, red-headed-step-child, baby…
It brings me the much needed release from all..
It is mine, and I love it.
But, where does the direction stay solid? Where does it drift?
I have gone back and forth with this page from simply talking about music or a shoe I adore, to pouring my heart out.
Some wear their hearts on their sleeves, I chose to publish mine on WordPress.
I have my even more highly neglected Make Up Blog… And of course a Tumblr… I am even starting up the Curious World Blog with Johnathan…
But this is mine to ramble on about whatever thoughts I have racing through my veins… Pouring out of my soul… Not fitting into the required cap size of my twitter.
But, I still feel it is messy.
So I have been trying to think of what to do.
Should I make it flow more toward the direction I had planned and use it only for reviews, product feedback, music info, and photos? Should I keep it strictly short sentences and pictures to express my recent adventures? Should it simply be my ramblings on love, and life and friendships?
It’s been a tough decision, one that surely nobody but me really can change, and one that nobody but me seriously gives a fuck about.
So… I came the the realization that, well…
I am messy. I am constantly changing me. I am constantly evolving, emotionally, artistically, physically, creatively, even as a consumer.
So, my blog shall remain as messy as the owner.
Just as pets often reflect their owners, my blog will do the same.
I am weird, crazy, complicated but simple, emotional, needy, expressive, challenging, and all together… like the virtual pages on this blog… Different.
So… if you read this, and you like it…you will probably continue to do so.
If you read this, and you hate it….
You probably should have stopped wasting your time on it long ago.
Here’s to another successful release of energy into the universe in the form of a jodiagogo.wordpress.com blog entry.
I’ve reached this conclusion…
It seems to me that boys don’t realize when girls like them… It’s a fact.
It was true in Elementary School when we would shove sand down their shirts, in Jr. High when we would try to pass notes with them, and in High School when we would really flirt our butts off.
And this remains true today, as adults. Girl has boyfriend, boyfriend has “Friend”, said “Friend” wants to rip the pants off of girl’s boyfriend.
Another fact; girls are generally jealous creatures.
This second fact outweighing the first fact in boys‘ eyes.
Therefor, cautious girlfriends get labeled “Jealous” girlfriends.
So, what do you do? Sit around and wait for something to happen or not happen? Stir up arguments regarding said “Friends”?
All I know, is that I have a loving, trusting, compassionate, responsible hunk of a boyfriend…and I don’t trust the slimy hands of said “Friend” any further than I could throw her.
But the dilemma lies in the trust of your boyfriend.
I trust him. It sucks, because sometimes I don’t want to.. LOL.
But I do. I trust that he won’t stray, that he wouldn’t hide something from me if he was suddenly enlightened with the truth that I know…
She wants him…
He would tell me.
point, blank, period.
She couldn’t get him when she had the chance… And she wants him now.
So, here I am…
Sitting back, just watching the phone calls, text messages, Facebook comments pile up… waiting… hoping I am wrong, and hoping he isn’t put into an awkward situation with a “Friend”….
Hoping he could be right, that it is jealousy.
Knowing it isn’t.
All I know is what I am told, and if he tells me he would never harm me, and he tells me he would keep me in the open, and he tells me he could never feel that way, and he didn’t, and he lied to her so she wouldn’t feel bad….
I am happy.
It is my bed he comes to at night, his arms that I am so proud to lay wrapped in, and our time that we both cherish.
Back off. It isn’t worth you getting disappointed over again.
Because, for once in my life, I have found a man worth trusting… A man worth loving…
I know. Before you evvveeeeen start. It’s been terrible. What am I doing to you, WordPress? I have taken you for granted.
I am sorry. Truthfully, I am.
But I am back. I promise. I will update you regularly again. Pinky promise.
So, it’s March 1st, 2011. Crazy right? I mean, to think, we have already made it through two full months of 2011.
Honestly, I am just thankful it’s that much closer to warmth, sunshine, Popsicles, beaches, tan skin, Sunsets after 8pm. I am really a Summer girl at heart.
It seems like the older I get the more depressing the lack of sunshine and warmth becomes. Especially being a Californian. I think the some-what-new-found love and desire for Summertime happened after I left L.A. . I do love San Francisco and the Bay Area, but it could take some weather clues from Los Angeles any day.
Either way, I am just glad this portion of the year is moving along quicker.
So, I guess I should update you on what the “happs” have been, right?
Yep, I am back to Au Natural. Well, minus the weave. LOL… But, you get the picture…
Trying to bring myself back to me.
Getting healthy is becoming more and more important to me. Taking care of myself and others. I have this sudden need to be more nurturing, not only to myself and my soul, but to others around me, to the earth… I feel like there is this sudden hippie uprising within me.
I know, strange. But it’s somewhat inexplainable.
I have been doing a lot of “planning” as of lately…. Trying to figure out where I am going to be and what I am going to do with myself. I’ve been out of school now for a while, and I finally left my job. I am trying to focus on things that make me happier.
Sitting at a desk 40+ hours a week, inside during the entire period of Sunlight 5 days a week, commuting an hour each way, it was aging me.
I suddenly realized this job makes me feel 30, which isn’t fun when you just barely started chipping away at your twenties.
So, here I am. Trying to figure out what makes me happy, what makes me stay sane. All while keeping me from being homeless, and allowing me to eat….Being able to buy a new pair of shoes every once in a while doesn’t hurt either..
So, as far as plans?
Who knows? Getting a better portfolio together wouldn’t hurt. Selling the ol’ truck and getting something new, that’s in the blueprint too. All I know, is whatever path I am on right now is going to teach me new things, make me happy, and allow me to see life outside of Corporate America, well, at least a different view of it, in the least. 😉
For now, I am healthy, young, and in love.
Three things that are keeping me alive.